Happy Down Below

Foreword At a pivotal point in my journalism career, I quit my job as articles editor for Playboy, where I edited serious journalism and Playmate data sheets, to become managing editor of Men’s Health, which included many fewer naked ladies in its editorial pages. My male friends couldn't understand why I’d exchange a clearly ideal job—one that included screening potential Playmates and interviewing the winners—to work for a magazine that often had a half-naked dude on the cover. But the job switch made sense to me, at least. I was just then entering my late thirties, a time of life when all sorts of health concerns crop up. Why do I suddenly have a potbelly? Why am I losing my hair? Am I doomed to the same health maladies as the older men in my family? And of course, is it safe to stick a pine bough up my urethra? Actually, that last one wasn’t among my personal health concerns. But it was a question that one of Dr. Gralla’s many interesting patients should have taken more seriously before he customized his own Yule log. You’ll read all about it in the last chapter. (Spoiler alert: Don’t do it! ) At Men’s Health, we took the male organ very seriously indeed, but with the magazine’s signature mix of humor and hard science. To educate our millions of penis-owning readers, we even invented our own staff urologist, who, being fictional, possessed none of Dr. Gralla’s impressive credentials. But he ably separated phallus fact from dick fiction. We called him Dr. Schwantz, in a nod to our twenty-seven Yiddish-fluent readers (out of five million), who knew the word as slang for a limp male member. If you’re a man, nothing will get your attention like a willie that won’t wonka—that won’t, with a little encouragement, turn from molten chocolate into a candy bar. This is among the reasons this book belongs in the toolbox of nearly every guy on the planet, plus the women who love them. In fact, many guys don’t conduct a downward investigative glance unless our glans is spurting blood, oozing white stuff, pointing listlessly at the floor, or sprouting a fir branch. For all of those conditions and more, Dr. Gralla has nonjudgmental, no-nonsense recommendations, and he deserves our sincere thanks. But for a moment, let me address all of those problems—except the piney one—from the perspective of a health editor. Over the course of my two-decade stint at Men’s Health, I came to think of the penis as a very sensitive diagnostic tool. In fact, most men’s health scourges—heart disease, diabetes, obesity, psychological problems—manifest themselves early on as dick disorders. Your penis is very likely to know something is wrong before you, your doctor, or even your shrink identifies the malady. So listen to Dr. Johnson! If your dick is pointing up, you health is probably pretty good. If it’s relentlessly pointing down, so, likely, are your health prospects. All guys have been gifted with an analog wellness meter tucked away in our shorts, to tell us everything we need to know about our schlong-term health prognoses. Pay attention to the direction yours is pointing, or pay the price. Or, better still, pay a visit to Dr. Gralla’s engaging, entertaining text, and get your man-needle pointing northward, pronto. And while I have your attention, and a sexual soapbox for a moment, I want to call attention to one pet peeve about the male unit that is ably represented by what Dr. Gralla couldn’t include in this book. There are many helpful pages here devoted to ways to address erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation—the stalking horses for urology practices everywhere—few devoted to male birth control options, one of which is to dip your scrotum into scalding water. When the most recent revolutionizer of male birth-control options was Charles Goodyear—the tire guy who invented vulcanized rubber in the 1840s—we are well overdue for the next sexual revolution. Women who don’t wish to become pregnant have hundreds of shots, IUDs, sponges, pills, inserts, and potions available at the drop of a prescription. Guys not wanting to get someone pregnant have abstinence, early withdrawal, condoms, and the knife at their disposal. In fact, men have very few options for changing the plot line of From Here to Paternity. A male pill, please, and pronto! But for everything else, there’s Happy Down Below. Treat yourself and your man-root to a thorough and often uproarious read-through. Your health prospects will be pointing at the ceiling in no time.   —Peter Moore, editor, Men’s Health, 1995–2015